I've been thinking a lot this morning on my walk and thought it would be good to get these thoughts down and share them with whoever reads our blog. I've been dealing a lot with control lately and recognizing that I don't have it. Okay, that's kind of a lame thing to say because I know with my head that I don't control much of anything. And yet there is still that part of me that thinks I do, or at least acts like I do. But more and more each day, since apparently I need to learn this lesson a little better, I am having to give it up.
And the truth of it is that I want to because more than having control over things I want God's glory to be shown in every aspect of my life. I know that sounds like such a Christian Churchy thing to say. But know that it comes out of much struggle with questions, confusion, disappointment, and the over-all goal of my life. I want so much to bring Him praise with my life that I will gladly surrender everything to Him. No matter what.
I have to do this again and again. I really have to take each area of my life, each new thing that comes up in our lives, and surrender it. Sometimes I'm a little slow at it.
There are so many things in my life that I can't control. I can't control when loved ones will find salvation. I can't control where we are moving or when we will go overseas. I don't even know when we will own a house. I know I won't be able to control my future children - or if we will even have children. I don't have a lot of control over having a career and what that will look like. I don't even control the extent of my own life. Listening to a sermon from Francis Chan this morning I was reminded that I don't even know how long I have here. Right now I can't even plan what I will do after graduation. And that's hard when you have worked 2 1/2 years on a Master's degree.
Francis talked about the importance of taking our little flames (think: this little light of mine...) and getting lost in the Eternal Flame of God, losing ourselves completely in Him.
We sing a song at church sometimes that speaks to this. Part of it says:
"And the cry of my heart is to bring you praise, from the inside out Lord my soul cries out"
That's what I want. More than knowing all the answers, or having what I think in this moment is important, I want to bring God praise with my life.
So that means I have to trust Him. I have to wait on Him. I know that He is good and that He holds all things in His hands and He holds all things together. It's still hard and I think He's okay with me saying that.